Healing from Depression and Thoughts of Death

This is a vlog I did on my channel late last night and I wanted to share it here. I hope it will bring someone peace ❤

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She Forged Power From the Dark

She could feel the world around her pressing in.
Like a vise slowly adding pressure to her chest.
Breathing became difficult.
Thoughts became clouded.
The anxiety was crushing.
A little voice came from her shadows “face me”.
So she stood tall,
a warrior,
a goddess,
a woman on a journey to heal herself.
She stood there and looked into the cool darkness.
Felt it all around her as she stepped into it.
This is shadow work, she thought.
She had been wondering how to do it,
what she was supposed to do.
This was her work,
Her medicine.
For everyone it is different,
for her, it was standing in her power,
as a warrior ready for battle,
but laying down her sword.
A white flag,
and also a fierceness that she would come out victorious.
This is how she befriended her demons,
her shadows.
By standing tall with them,
embracing them,
and calling them into her power.
For she would no longer be held as a victim,
no, not ever again.
Nor would she bloody herself in a fight that would only make the vice stronger.
No, this was about sweet surrender.
A warrior’s surrender,
to herself,
and an awakening of a power so immense that she radiated it through her whole world.
Those who wished her ill stayed away,
and those who needed her protection found solace under her wings.
But she would not let them stay there.
For they could not.
Instead, she helped them also stand into their warrior selves.
And through her strength,
she forged an army of warriors that stood tall with their shadows as their guides and confidantes.
She forged a mighty power from the dark.
And brought balance.

Lessons From the Dirt

Her roots wind and twist,
Through the dark rich soil.
Her branches reach into the wide unknown,
Like roots planted in the sky.

Can I be rooted,
And still, have wings?
I now know how caged birds feel.
Wanting so badly to unfold into the heavens,
To feel the breeze lift and sway their existence to a new place.

I pull when my emotions become too much.
I pull the long delicate strands of hair,
I pull weeds that fill my gardens.
I pull away,
I pull at the ones I love for answers,
That never come.

I try and eliminate weeds in my life,
But they inevitably come back,
with a vengeance that is untameable.
This is the true wild fury of nature.

I can find peace in this life,
For brief moments.
But only if those in it
can find peace and happiness as well.

I don’t understand…
why?…
There is rarely peace here,
Only brief moments of bliss.
That come and go with the passing winds.

This is where I am now,
This is where I live.
Learning the lessons that need to be learned…
The same lessons,
deeper lessons,
the spiral of the lesson.

The darker chapter that needs to be embraced,
Not forgotten or pushed away.
For I am the dark and the light,
I am everything,
And I am nothing…

I have lived with the roots in the sky,
Found shelter in their branches.
Felt the sun on my flesh,
And the winds in my hair.

But now it is a time to live with the roots in the ground.
To absorb the nutrient-rich lessons they teach.
To live with the dirt,
and all those that dwell upon and in it.

It isn’t in my blood to give up,
Giving up is never an option.
But I will no longer fight,
I am tired of fighting.

It is a time of healing and learning.
A time of letting go.
A time of embracing my ever-changing,
true self.

Daily Focus Oracle Card

Today I drew “Mental Repetition” out of The Whispers of Healing oracle card deck. The card suggests that I’m holding onto limiting beliefs, that it’s time to embrace a healthier philosophy about my life. Holding myself to impossibly high expectations, fearing failure, or an inability to control my emotions are examples of my limiting beliefs. I have latched onto unhealthy beliefs or thought patterns. The Spanish moss on Mother Nature represents protection, cobwebs indicate issues in my life that feel overwhelming. This is an ideal time to create a shift, time to clear out the cobwebs in my mind. Compose a powerful statement that I can repeat whenever necessary.

The statement that is choose today is:

” I find deep inner peace within myself as I am”

Empty Explanations

I wish I could explain how much anger and frustration hurts me,
How it breaks me down into some hollow shell of a being,
How it turns my heart black.

I wish I could explain the way my heart breaks when my children don’t want me around,
Or my very presence seems to annoy them.

I wish I could explain.

I wish you could see and feel through my heart and soul.

Today, I just want to run away from all of it.

There is more anger and frustration here than love at times,
And it is too heavy to carry.

I wish I could explain how the years of trying to make everyone happy,
every single day,
has worn me to the point of unhappiness.

I wish I could explain that I know it is of my own doing.

But the explanations have become exhausting,
I am so very tired,
And I have been reduced to nothing more than this hollow empty shell.

I Am Lake Natron

I am being swallowed,
consumed,
by a blackness that I cannot escape.

I feel it hanging heavily from every limb and organ of my body.

I am like the Lake Natron,
A beautifully deadly water,
I will turn you into a calcified corpse.

Maybe I myself am just that.

Where Medusas stare once held me,
I now float through life,
a lifeless statue.

I know so many methods,
and have so many tools,
To help me escape this.

But I am trapped,
Trapped by the black tar that holds me.

I don’t expect you to understand,
I don’t talk about this because you can never understand.

You cannot walk my shoes,
You would never survive the maze of my mind,

But I don’t blame you,
I don’t hate you,
Even though at times I do.

Even when good things happen,
The joy within me is only temporary,
And It fades like the moon fades from a clouded sky.

I am stuck in a loop,
A hallway that continues forever with no doors.

You will never understand me,
and this is where love dies.

I cannot be what you want me to be…

Hell on Earth

I meant to post this yesterday but spent my day painting instead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Violence
Hate
Rage
Rage rooms
Fighting
Bullying
Hurting
Controlling
This is what we are as a people. Capable of so much beauty and peace, but stuck in a loop of destruction. The world is changing, becoming more violent every day. There is no place for kind people anymore, we are a dying breed. I am tired of all the hate, of all the anger, I feel it welling inside my soul. The empath that I am feels all of this as if it were my own.
Like cancer Upon our species.
Why is it that we can’t live in peace? Why can’t we let the anger go?
Fighting for a Cause,
fighting to be heard,
fighting for respect,
fighting for rights,
fighting, fighting,
frightening.
Is this all we know? It seems to be what our species knows how to do best. I don’t believe that we will evolve. Even if our species is all but wiped out, we might change for a time, but jealousy, anger, and greed will creep back in. The need for power, the need for control, that fight, that violence seems to be innate in human beings. We have created hell, and we are angrily living in it.

 

Victory in The Small Things

My mind is tired,

body sore.

My cat’s purr rumbles like mini earthquakes through my flesh.

Almost ready,

to stretch my body

and put my mind at ease.

Flowing Flowing Flowing

Breathing Breathing Breathing

I meditate on the movements of my sore tired body.

These small moments,

Where I push through.

Push even though I’m tired and hurting.

These are the moments in which I feel victorious.

Breathing Life

Life is the sun on my face through a passing window,

A hot cup of tea on an icy cold day,

Breath in my lungs,

Love in my heart.

I feel the glitter of goosebumps on my skin.

Every breath deeper and deeper,

My stress melts away.

And the heaviness falls,

Like the avalanche of snow off a mountainside.