Healing from Depression and Thoughts of Death

This is a vlog I did on my channel late last night and I wanted to share it here. I hope it will bring someone peace ❤

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My Life Focus, Art

Good morning, all my lovely readers, I am inspired. Life inspired. I have struggled with ‘who am I?’ and ‘why am I here?’ for my entire life. Over the past couple of months, I have gone through some drastic changes in my life, and my outlook on life. One of the first lessons I was faced with was brought up by a song, by Macklemore, I heard on the radio. I am horrible with names so I can’t recall the title of the song, but of the lines was ‘well at least you’re happy’ and he was talking about an ex that was trying to be friends after she broke it off with him because she wasn’t happy. He was talking about how he was miserable but at least she was happy. At that moment I realized that I have only ever taken into account my own happiness, I wholeheartedly want others to be happy as well but not at the expense of my own happiness.

I affect everyone around me, and my love, hate, anger, peace will ripple. When I make a choice it affects everyone. When I was unhappy it wasn’t because of some outside force, but that is where I was putting it. I put my unhappiness on my marriage, the feelings of being stuck, feeling like my kids hate me, etc. This was all in my head and I was going to run, yet again. Because running is the easy way out for me, running lets me start over. But, I am grateful for the situation we are in, I have no easy way ‘out’ and it has forced me to face myself head-on. What right do I have to destroy someone’s life because I am not ‘happy’, especially someone I love? That is the easy and horribly destructive path out. But I don’t want to be out, I want to be all in. I want to live on the edge with love, with acceptance, with truly being a caring human.

I love my life, I love my family, I love myself. How did I get here you ask? By taking care of myself. By cutting out things that were drastically hurting my body, like caffeine. I have also lowered my sugar drastically, I still consume it and have moments of overconsumption but it is not daily anymore, and I can now go weeks without if I have to. I have also begun managing my stress. I do this by communicating, writing, doing art, getting the task that needs to be done completed (still working on this one). My anxiety is still here with me, it always will be, but by sitting around and just letting it take me has created some health issues for me, along with some bad eating habits and weight gain.

I have also rekindled my spirituality, I draw an oracle card every day to set focus and I do tarot readings when I need them. I am trying to get back into my Yoga and I focus on positive intentions every day. All these have helped me crawl out of the hole I have been hiding in. Because I have in fact been hiding, I have been hiding since I was a little girl and it is time to emerge from my long slumber and set my mighty roar upon the world. No more hiding. I got a message the other day from some readings and it was ‘What would you do if you were not afraid?’ This message stuck with me for weeks! And last week I finally took the leap and went for it. I created a YouTube Channel, a Patreon page and I started converting my social media accounts to serve my artist purposes. I also started listening to friends instead of taking their constructive criticism as an attack. I feel strong, vibrant, rested, and I am ready to attack my world and make the best life I can. This being said, my passion is art or anything that lets me create. So come along the adventure with me as I document my art and the process that I go through to be who I am as an artist. I also talk about what I do and what helps me heal. I hope that my life inspires you and thank you for reading! ❤

My YouTube: Art with Anna, Dragonfly Rose

My Patreon: Anna Burdette is Creating…

My Facebook Page: Dragonfly Rose Art

Daily Focus Oracle Card

Today I drew “Mental Repetition” out of The Whispers of Healing oracle card deck. The card suggests that I’m holding onto limiting beliefs, that it’s time to embrace a healthier philosophy about my life. Holding myself to impossibly high expectations, fearing failure, or an inability to control my emotions are examples of my limiting beliefs. I have latched onto unhealthy beliefs or thought patterns. The Spanish moss on Mother Nature represents protection, cobwebs indicate issues in my life that feel overwhelming. This is an ideal time to create a shift, time to clear out the cobwebs in my mind. Compose a powerful statement that I can repeat whenever necessary.

The statement that is choose today is:

” I find deep inner peace within myself as I am”

Happy Birthday My Sweet Brother

You would be 28 today, and there is not a day that passes where do not think of you. I wish this world was not so cruel to you, I wish your body was not cruel to you. I do not know why you had to suffer the way you did, I wish your life could have been better. I wish so many things but in the end, I am happy that you are free from the shackles this world put on you. I love you forever my little brother, you are my light in dark places.

My Struggle, My Mother’s Voice

Life has such a beautiful and painful way of guiding us in all the lessons we are to learn to become stronger people. It gives us just enough strife to overcome, and I say just enough in terms of even the slightest bit more and I would topple over. I can look at myself and truthfully, most wholeheartedly, say that I am a strong woman. A strong human, that can handle… Maybe handle is the wrong word. I can navigate through the wearing of many different hats and heartaches. I can still soar through the darkened soot filled skies, and wings dirtied I can land near the oceans and rivers, lakes and streams, and wash clean my scars and heartaches. No one ever said life was easy, a life worth living anyway. My soul is enormous, my heart knows no bounds, I cannot find peace in settling.

One thing that has become crystal clear to me over the past couple months, is that my biggest enemy is myself. My inner voice is my mother’s telling me that I am worthless and not enough. But I cannot blame her, she had her own mother in her head telling her the same lies. For that is what they are, lies. Deceptions. I have just recently learned to see through the fog that the voice creates. I can see the illusion, I can see the lies. I am not my mother, and I never will be, but her voice will always be in my head. This is my greatest struggle and the one thing I always have to keep my soul’s eye upon. When I say I am stupid and worthless, fat and ugly, no one loves me…. These are not my words, they are hers, and when I see it the fog lifts and I glow once more. Clarity and peace take me. This is how I was conditioned, it cannot be undone. What we think about the world and ourselves is molded when we are young. It forms our brain into specific patterns. This is who I am. So, I have to learn ways to cope with my inner demons, so to speak. That inner voice causing me harm. I have to be to myself the mother I never had.

I don’t know how I came to all these realizations, perhaps it is the fact that I am stubborn, or that my empathy is so large I could never cause someone harm. Sometimes, I wish I could tell other people how I do it so I can help them. But, I think you have to get to the point where you want to change, and change is painful at first. The thought of more pain can seem unbearable, but this pain is different, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The strange thing is, you get to the light and then go back into the tunnel. I know that each time I am back in that tunnel, I learn about myself more deeply. I realize that I will always be back in that tunnel, to learn and grow and that there will always be that light to look forward to. And maybe someday I will also look forward to the dark of the tunnel. That time has not yet come, but I know it will some day.

My Last Couple Years!

I started writing this about this time last year, I added a bit to the end to finish it off. I don’t know why I didn’t just publish it, probably because I wanted to add more. But, it can wait for another time.

A vast amount of joys and heartaches have happened over the span of just a couple years. Life has me spinning like a top, at times wobbling, and others where I completely spin out and fall over. It’s nice to be in a head space once again where I can look at things that have happened retrospectively, and see my growth and progress over the last couple of years. All the ‘hard times’ with people, that were really insecurities within myself, that I was trying to overcome. I can see once again that life is an array of shadows and light, grey area’s created from our emotions about things. We are all both light and dark, we must embrace both fully to be complete and whole. All these dark emotions that I have felt over the last couple of years are part of who I am, no one is light all the time, just as no one is dark all the time. I think to be mentally healthy you have to spend equal time in both light and dark. Being in the dark makes you appreciate the light, and vice-versa. Humanity is in a phase where if you are feeling ‘dark’ there must be something ‘wrong’. There isn’t, if you are ‘happy and light’ all the time… You are a liar. It is a mask that you are showing the world, hiding all that you are from everyone. I say let your light and dark ‘shine’, so to speak.

So, where was I? The last couple years! When we left California we headed to Louisiana, I had the opportunity to work on a horse farm/ranch and I jumped at the opportunity. This was a big first step for me, my first move to a place where I didn’t know a single person. I had chatted with the woman I would be working for but we had never met. Looking back on my experience there, I learned a lot about myself, and I fell even more in love with horses and animals. The experience’s of walking with the horses in the Mardi Gras parades are ones that I will cherish for the rest of my life. It was exhilarating, terrifying, electrifying, exhausting, full of amazement, and at times pure wretchedness. Away from the parades I found myself in a situation where two ‘Momma Bears’ were trying to live under one roof. It was there, under Brandie’s roof, that my insecurities started unfolding. After some unfortunate blow-outs and fights between the two of us, Cardin and I left after being there for 3 months. There were things that I was not OK with, and things that I couldn’t live without. Aside from all the heartache, and very hurtful things said on both sides, I do miss them all; and god do I miss all the horses. I left in a rage, and drove us to Kansas to visit a very old friend from my childhood. And there is where my life, and view of it, was forever changed.

I really don’t know how to explain the part of Kansas I was in, it was a place where all the broken souls go to torture each other, and themselves; A human created purgatory of sorts. There are no trees or water (a small lake doesn’t count), I found that I needed these two elements to be balanced, to feel whole. This is where I landed for a year. A land of gossip, backstabbing, lies, fighting, hating, and the list could go on. Granted I didn’t make the best entrance by snatching up a man that was just recently, lets say ‘divorced’ because they were together for 8 years or so, from a woman 3 days prior to my arrival. And in a town of 300 people, rumors instantly ignited about our long distance affair. I laugh just thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I have no ill feelings toward any of the people there, but when the only things to do are drinking, drugs, gossip and fighting… Well, this was the start of a downward spiral for me. Especially since, aside from drinking on occasion and weed, I don’t like any of these things. I also found that I have an especially hard time when kids are doing them, and are basically little drug dealers for most of the town. I found my self in a tornado of negativity, and each day I was sucked further in. Then the darkness finally took me over completely. I look back and can’t believe how many insecurities that I have, they overwhelmed me. And fear took me over. Romantically speaking, I had not been involved with someone for quite a while, and even then the relationship I had while in California I can look back and say that my whole heart was not into it. It was like being single mentally, but not physically. A strange paradigm that I didn’t realize was even there until Matt. He happened to be coming from the same paradigm, he was with a woman for so many years but in reality mentally single. When you are in this space, a companionship cannot be created. A relationship will not work. Relationships are meant to be two whole people coming together to become a team. That’s hard to do if you are in a mindset of ‘single’. So, long story short, there was a lot of fighting. God so much fighting, screaming, crying. I would call and cry to my friend almost every day. Looking back I can see how that would be selfish of me. But, I loved this man so much, I loved his light and his dark. And his dark is what scared me, I found my past marriage and childhood coming up and barking at my face like a rabid dog. And what I do best is run. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to run, and I almost did, I would have if I had the money right then and there. It was hard for me, I was a single mom, Cardin and I against the world. And here comes this man and his two children, I don’t know how to be a stepmom! So, I did with them like I do with my own son. Matt and I moved fast, looking back, I think it was too fast for his kids. And as I don’t have an extreme amount of rules, they were coming from a place where they were allowed to do whatever they wanted. I couldn’t handle it, and I cracked. I won’t say they got the best of me, I got the best of me, and Matt and I were not on the same page with anything related to parenting. It was a rough time for me, and I often envisioned escaping from them all and going back to Cali. But I always stayed, I had a love for this man that I couldn’t explain, that I had never felt before. He challenged me in ways that I had never been challenged and opened my eyes to things that I had shut them to. I think that it was the same for him, with me. My friend kept telling me to leave, and every chance she got whispered in my ear to leave him, talked down on him. It infuriated me! A lot of things did while I was there. But, I couldn’t handle her trying to tell me what I should do, what would be best for me. I just wanted her to listen to my hysteria, not for solutions, but so I could get the shit out! So I could think, I didn’t want to be encouraged. Looking back this was unfair of me, we called each other best friends, sisters, but in reality we were just old childhood friends that would go years without talking to each other and then talk for a few hours about what our lives had been like. We had never had the kind of relationship where we could just call each other up and vent, and I vent a lot, my friends can tell you that! It’s how I process my emotions and feel them out. Otherwise, they take me over and I make decisions that should probably have gone another way. In short, without going on about this for another paragraph, our friendship crumbled. And as it did a part of myself caved in, closed off. Our last few months in Kansas I became a recluse, I rarely left the house and I was very depressed, paranoid, sad, and angry. Looking at my life, this was the hardest time thus far that I have had with people, with myself. I couldn’t stay another year, neither could Matt. So, we decided that we would move. Neither of us could think of a place we would rather be than in Maine. So we made the plunge and escaped Kansas, just barely. We left for Maine with just enough money for a month of camping and a small trailer of our most precious belongings; I was 2 months pregnant when we left for Maine.

Our journey here was, cramped, and emotional. The Jeep was packed to the brim in the back with just enough space atop it all for two dogs, 3 kids in the back seat, 2 puppies, bags at everyone’s feet but the drivers. We camped each night, and in retrospect I wish that for at least that first night we would have stayed for a few nights instead of just one. We drove for 12 hours before stopping at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. Like usual there was bickering and fighting along the way, and even at the camp. I understand why his kids were so angry, they had lived in Kansas pretty much their whole lives, they didn’t want to leave. And they had spent most of their lives living with their dad, but had decided that instead of going with us to Maine that they wanted to live with their mom and stepdad in Indiana. They never said it, but I think it was a big part because of me. They don’t like living with rules, and well, that will never change in any house I’m living in. Our second day was the hardest for Matt and I, it was the day we were dropping my step-kids off in Indiana. I didn’t realize that it would hit me so hard, I love those kids, and had lived with them for the past year. They were a part of my life, of my family. I remember being fine until Cindy called us as we were leaving Indiana. I cried hysterically, I cried so hard it hurt. I didn’t realize how much I really didn’t want them to leave us. But, for whatever reason they thought life would be better with their mother, and I hope it is. However, it was the decision they made. Now I don’t know how I feel about it all, seems the only time they call is to ask their dad for money. Then Matt feels like shit because, well, we can’t send them any. And quite frankly, most the time I don’t want to because of how they treat him. But they are kids, I have to remember this. Besides, I remember being close to the same when I was their age. That’s probably why it makes me so mad. Honestly, the fact that I still feel so strongly about everything is because I care about them so damn much. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t. It would be easier to watch them fuck their lives up that way. I don’t feel like a parent to them at all, I feel like a grown up friend that is worried about the path that they take. Is this stupid? I just hope that they don’t screw up their lives too badly, some decisions can be changed, others stick with us for life. Anyway, my thoughts are all scrambled with this topic. I suppose it lets me know I am still trying to sort through things, and to get rid of my ‘hurt’ feelings. I did give them both so much… So, stopping this topic now, like I said I cried more intensely than I have ever cried and we made our way to our 2nd stop where we just slept in the Jeep. It was ridiculously uncomfortable!! I don’t think Matt really slept at all, I didn’t get much either. Cardin slept all night in the back seat haha :), typical. Oh, to be able to sleep like a kid again! Our next stop was in Pennsylvania, up near Lake Erie. It was a KOA so we got to take nice showers and everything! We definitely could have taken another day there as well, we were tired and rundown. We got there early enough to be able to enjoy the campsite for the day. Cardin swam, we walked the dogs, Matt and I got to have some time together. It was a good day. Our last day of travel was mostly through New York, man are New Yorkers… shall I say, not the kindest people. But, I will not judge solely on our stops at rest stops. I still want to see the Big Apple and go to the Statue of Liberty, etc. We traveled though up-state New York. Matt was in a foul mood most of the trip, there were some fights, and tears on my part (of course). Then we finally made it to our last stop in Maine, Poland Springs Campground. We were all paid up for a month of camping. We got there late, setup in the dark and woke early the next day. After 2,100 miles in 4 days It was all kind of a blur, we were over exhausted and ready for some rest. But when you are completely starting over, with very little money, work must be found straight away. Matt had an interview the very next day, so no rest for the weary! He got the job! But his commute to work was 2 hours, each way!

When we originally set out for Maine there were rentals abound! But, when you are moving to the ‘Vacationland’ in the middle of Summer there are very slim pickin’s. We tent camped for 3 weeks until we found a small house in Alna. We were so happy and relieved to finally have  a home! We setup our air mattress for the first few weeks until we could start acquiring house items, the extra money from me working helped us ‘jumpstart’ our new home. They say the first year is the hardest moving somewhere new, and boy are they right! I will stop now and continue this another time…

Exhaustion

I feel as though I am always suffering, there are always major emotions that I am battling. I have tried to sit and delve into them, to let the chaos, the river of lava burn my soul. To let it engulf me so that I can heal from the fire. But, this, this requires time. When Ruby is finally asleep, and the house as clean as my energy will allow, I just want to welcome sleep with nothing but an exhausted body and mind. All are my choices, I chose to have another baby, I chose to begin working again, I choose to take on all the household responsibilities.

A Scarred Sacred Heart

My grief has taken me this morning, like the hurricane takes the land. So gloriously freeing, and painful. Damn you wretched heart, some wounds go too deep and will never heal. I feel the grief pour out of me like a crack in a dam, it pushes until I finally break. Years of agony from my childhood. Not being able to protect those precious to me because my hands were too small and my voice not quite loud enough. A man who was meant to protect us and woman who was supposed to nurture, another man who let us go without a fight. A brother who was never treated with dignity and left this world too early. Words that have torn through my soul from people that I gave my heart to, friends and lovers. And myself a wandering soul, with that last string of my family, my blood, so far from me that the knives like daggers in my heart, endlessly bleeding out. I thwart so much grief from my psyche that when I read an article or hear/see something that reminds me of the pain I crumble, like the falling of an old wise tree that has died from too many years of harsh weather. You could never know what pains lie in the scars of my heart, what grief, what sadness, what guilt. This is why I understand it so very deeply. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I am so grateful for all the love in my life, but I don’t deserve it. You can’t heal scars, they last forever. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves hit so hard they tear you to pieces. This is my life. I will forever love and live with all my heart, but with that comes a grief that tears me down when the wind shifts direction. When the world is quiet and all I can hear is the beat of my own scarred heart, still capable of the deepest love the world has ever known. My love is deeper because of my scars, because of my pain. And I will never stop loving, no matter how much pain it brings. My heart is sacred, and through my years of joy and pain I have realized this, at this very moment. Every scar, every pain, every tear, every joy, every bit of happiness, it is all sacred. A scarred sacred heart. A heart to help heal the world, one teardrop, one hug, one love at a time.

A Bit of Romace, Lessons, Pain, and Moving

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. All kinds of relationships but with my wedding right around the corner I have been thinking a lot about romantic relationships between people. I used to believe that two people needed to be whole before a relationship could last, but I am finding that this just isn’t true. When you find someone that makes life feel complete, feel whole, this is the want I have always seeked out. At the same time I am witnessing what will happen when that hole is once again a part of your life. A recent loss in our family has made this whole experience joyous, but heart wrenchingly sad at the same time. I wish I had a magick wand that I could wave and bring him back, well and whole, because I want to see him again but mostly to heal her heart. I know her tears will lessen and she will once again be able to ‘carry on’ again, but she will forever have a deep rooted scar that will never heal. She lost the other part of herself. This pain scares me, scares me to death. Some day I might be in her situation, or he might be. I used to think that this kind of pain wasn’t worth it, but the truth is that it is. I see her in pain but I also get to hear stories of the amazing life they had together, the magickal love they shared. It makes the pain worth it. As I am a couple weeks away from marrying a man whom fits my soul like a key to a lock, I can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives. We are moving to Maine come June, which was only more solidified with the news that our landlady is selling the house we are renting come Summer. I am scared, but excited. I have no delusions anymore about finding a love/life like the movies or books. These aren’t real, I am joyously happy that I have a real life, a real relationship, and a man that completes me. A man I love so deeply and that I get to spend the rest of my days with. Sure we will have bad days, it’s life, it’s how we talk, handle, and deal with every situation that matters. I still have my head in the clouds but I feel more leveled and more realistic. Funny, I almost prefer all the fights we had in the beginning… Taught us how to communicate with each other, and to love each other more deeply. I have loved and lost here in Kansas, I can’t wait to start our new life. Whoever says that moving doesn’t change anything, change your life, perspectives, etc… Has never truly moved and traveled. I will take the lessons from the pain here and keep the love and memories forever.

Growing Pains

I have gone through many transformations in my life, but I have never regressed to the extent that I have over the last 8 months. Being here I have felt like I was 13 again. Like life just halted and took me back to a time, place, and person I no longer am. I have spent this time battling with things like learning how to communicate again, standing up for myself, depression, anxiety, rumors, and the list goes on. I have realized that I have held onto only one thing from my childhood, an idea of who someone close to me is, or was. I have always had in my life that one person that I could confide in, could tell all my sorrows to, cry on, and in turn them just listen without judgement, without simply hating all other parties involved. I have never had this with this person, over the years we have simply found each other and shared our lives. Neither of us are who we thought the other to be. I feel like I can let go of this idea I have had for so many years, and be at peace. Like I can fully be who I am, without some lingering past version of myself butting it’s way in. My future is empty and ready to be drawn and written in the way I choose, me… No one else, no other force. I make the decisions I do because it is what I want, what my heart is directing me to do, and I am tired of defending that. And I should never have to, and I never will again. It hurts to grow, but that is what makes us grow, that pain. The sadness, the hurt. I look back and feel silly for the way in which I behaved in certain moments, but I needed these moments to grow, to become stronger, to be me and no one else. I don’t need anyone, those in my life are here because I enjoy them here, I value them immensely, and I love them. Plain and simple, now it’s time to move on ❤